Humbled yet again....

I took a look at my blog today and could not help but mentally slap my forehead (to be continued).

Today was a good day. Pastor Paul's message was talking about the humanness of Jesus. The main point was that when we think of Jesus, we often see Him as a man that did not have many of the pains/experiences that normal people have. One comment was the question "Did baby Jesus have diaper rash?" One thing that really hit me throughout all of it was the fact that Jesus not only understands our physical pain and suffering, but He truly understands our emotional suffering as well (a point a previously knew, but never really thought about).

So back to my blog. I read my two previous posts and could not help but be disappointed at what had transpired. I had moved from a thankful heart, praising God for the difficult things He has put/allowed in my life, to a selfish/doubting heart, questioning God's tactics and even questioning the fact that He is here with me right now. All I need to do to know God is here is open my eyes and look at what He has created. Why do I ever question that? Why did I let my circumstances cloud my mind into wondering about something that in my heart I know is true?

I am still hurting and at times feeling lonely. I am still asking God "what are You trying to tell me?" But now it is different. Now it is coming out of a heart that is trusting God, trying to patiently wait on His timing, and humbly seeking to follow Him, rather than a doubting heart that wonders if God is even here. It is going to be a long journey, and regardless of if I am going through it alone (which a highly doubt I am even if I cannot know for certain) I still need to do that to which I believe God has called me. I will not be sitting here on my hands doing nothing, but rather, I will be seeking to become more like Christ so that He can continue molding me into the man that He wants me to be. It is going to be a long, hard road, but I am in it for the long haul and will not give up or give in. God is my Rock and my Strength, the source of my comfort in troubled times. In God I put my trust, I will not be ashamed!

Selfish Questions

I am having a very hard time following God right now. I know that He is in control, but I do not understand in the least what He is doing right now. I am trying to trust and let go, but disappointment after disappointment is making it very hard to stay the course. It would be one thing if I knew if I was the only one struggling through this, but there is no way to know right now. I'm lonely and struggling.

God, You don't need to show me the future, just help me know You're here. What are you trying to tell me?? Give me peace that You are in control. I'm hurting and I know You are the only one that can heal me. Wipe these tears away so I can see You at work.

And so now I wait. There is nothing else I can do...

Thanksgiving...

One thing that really hit me the last couple days, and was hit on again in this morning's service, is to not just be thankful for the good things in my life but also for the difficulties. God has taught me so much through the difficulties He has brought into my life over the last few months. I don't know what His plans are for me yet, but I am thankful that He has allowed the difficulties and is using them to grow me into the man that He desires. I am also thankful that He has been right alongside me during all of it helping me make it through. For all that He has done I will thank Him.

God is so good.

Tiredness at it's best

Why am I up at 1:09 a.m. ???

Oh well.

It never ceases to amaze me how God will remind me He is in control, especially from places I would not expect.

When I don't know what to do
I'll lift my hands
When I don't know what to say
I'll speak Your praise
When I don't know where to go
I'll run to Your throne
When I don't know what to think
I'll stand on Your truth
When I don't know what to do

Contemplative Confusion

I am always intrigued by how the human mind can change moods from one instance to the next. Take tonight for example. I am doing great, getting some homework done, playing some music, and having a great time. Then a certain topic came up and I could physically feel my mind starting to fog up. I could no longer concentrate and my heart began to beat faster, my temperature rose slightly, and I started to become discouraged, all in a matter of seconds.

I don't know what God has in store and, although often that actually brings me great joy, tonight it brought with it doubt and fear. My heart and mind is confused about what God is trying to teach me and what His will is for me right now. I believe that I am following His will, but how do I know? How can I separate the real, mental prodding of God from my heart screaming in my brain what it so desperately wants? I have come to realize that I don't know.

But yet I am here standing, waiting, hoping, seeking, praying, asking "God, what do I do now?" All that is left now is to trust. At times I don't know how I am able to, but I know that it is absolutely imperative that I do. "God, I put my trust in You every moment of every day. I have faith that Your will is greater than mine and Your plans are not yet finished in my life. Help me to cling to You with every ounce of strength I have until I have breathed my last breath. You alone provide the peace that I so desperately need."

Winter Wonderland

I woke up this morning to find two inches of snow on the ground, and unfortunately my car. I was really dreading the snow, I hate driving in it. However, no matter how much I was dreading it, it still took my breath away. God's beauty through nature never ceases to amaze me.